Embrace Your Crazy Past, It Might Just Inspire a New Adventure.

Last night, I was in the company of some good friends, on a breezy balcony on the 23rd floor, overlooking the steamy humid city and KL skyline.  Life could be worse, that's for sure.

It being a Friday night after a busy week, it was easy for the conversation to go south and downward spiral into a bitch session about school but luckily we resisted and we spoke of motherhood, past locales, meeting our "person" and the spontaneous things we used to do.  Spontaneous things that largely shape us into who we are now today.  For me, it was leaving a steady paycheck, breaking contract and moving to Barcelona, because I knew that being single in a place where I was regularly told while running to stop because I would be kidnapped, was not a place I needed to be at that point in my life.  For another friend, it was the last minute decision to move to Tucson instead of Washington where she and her partner got a job immediately and ran a side gig of creating digital flipbooks at weddings and bar mitzvahs.  And another, who had made the decision to move to Mexico, shortly before meeting someone, who she ultimately let follow her even though she wasn't sure about the decision at the time.  The point is these big decisions are real and complicated and we often toil long and hard with what will be.. and it is.. And then we look back, we say I wish I could be that crazy again.

This leads me to think that we should be. Remember those moments you let yourself be vulnerable and try to drizzle, drop or throw that back into your life.  Within the last 24 hours, I considered the question.  "What is something that you want to do in the next 5 years that you could reasonably do that is nonconventional?" Have another child.. Maybe but boring.. Run the NYC marathon.. totally possible...Try a new career with food... It could happen if I applied myself.. But all of these were so individualized and really independent goals that I could do if I created that path for myself.  "Dig deeper" I told myself. I also realized I had to consider my family.  Now more than ever,  they are a priority and their happiness and involvement in my potential crazy actions is key.   And then it flew in like a feather magically floating in the air connecting the dots.   Sailing.  Andres likes to sail.  I want to learn.  What if we were somewhere I could take a sailing course?  What if in 5 years we decided to take a year off and sail? Why not? I could homeschool Pablo.  He would be old enough at that point. It's a crazy idea but not impossible.  And given that anything can change in seconds, shouldn't we be romanticizing endless possibilities at every moment possible?

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to look fondly back on our pasts and take those moments to fuel spontaneity.  Our wisdom gained over the years will contain some of that impulse but this is a positive.  We can still be risk takers, we'll just be better at it. 

The Balancing Act: What Comes First? The Reality vs. the Desired.

This morning at 6:30 am, I was feeling like super mom.   Pablo was strapped to my chest in the baby bjorn, smiling at every soul who touched his delectable toes.  On the way to the cross country meet in which I was helping co-coach, he slept peacefully, I chatted with a new friend, quietly thinking to myself, "I got this."  And then 2 hours later, my world turned upside down.  I was at the race corral waiting to help organize the U9 runners and I had let a dear friend take care of Pablo for the last 30 minutes and she came running to me.  He was crying so my immediate thought was, he might be more hungry or he wants momma, but the reality was he was overheating in the Malaysian heat and I almost had a meltdown trying to find my baby a place to cool down.  30 minutes later we were in an air-conditioned office and I had to accept that I was only going to be able to do one thing in that moment in time and clearly, being a mom took priority.

What I realized from all this is that last thought "I had to accept that I was only going to be able to do one thing in that moment in time."  Being someone who has been a master multi-tasker for years, motherhood has put a big kink in that mastery.  I think it was my third day home when I was trying to do laundry, cook dinner and take care of Pablo all at the same time and really for no reason as I had a confinement nanny to help me that I realized, you have to let go and it's okay to not be in control of everything.   We are so spoiled to be able to afford help.  First, we were blessed with Shelley, a Chinese confinement nanny, that cooked beautiful healthy Chinese food for Andres and I for the first 28 days after I had Pablo and helped with putting Pablo to bed.  Everything she did essentially helped in making our lives as a family easier and I think we ended up being more chilled out parents because she was around.  Having her, gave me the power to realize that I can't be everything and that's completely okay.   Since then, we have had the incredible Cora, who brings more smiles to Pablo's face every morning.  With going back to work early, I don't think I could have found someone better that I truly trust to essentially part-time raise my child.   Nevertheless, being an older parent and having embraced my balanced, independent, compartmentalized life for so long,  I didn't realize that having a baby would actually force me to be even more balanced, but also prioritize.

Unfortunately, sometimes as an adult, we can't prioritize exactly how we would like. Being the working visa in our family meant going back to work sooner than planned. Being in a new position as ES learning specialist often puts me in three times as many meetings as before.  More than ever, I have to find the silver linings. It's cool that Pablo was born in Malaysia, and has one parent that works from home. It's amazing that ISKL included Pablo as a family member effortlessly with visas, insurance and other benefits.  And, it's good that this momma continues to get a number of intellectual challenges daily.  In addition, my new position helps me be a better leader and have more voice in student learning.   Silver linings are my medicine, this is my reality not a desire.

When I find out the perfect recipe for balance, I probably won't need it.  I'll be a millionaire living in a quiet beach town basking in the publication of my novel and writing a Spanish childrens series called Mananas Con Pablo.  Until then, wish me luck.