Second guessing

I'm really not sure that being here, dating younger guys, missing Asia, missing good friends is a good lead into my 30th birthday. I thought I was doing well, I am running a lot, I am enjoying the lush green environment around me, I like walking etc. , I am working on my project, I was being a slave to the vibe at work (unacceptable);

But, in less than a month, my life seems to have turned like a pineapple upside down cake.. I feel like it was in pretty good layers, all of them different but pretty solid and now, it's like I don't know black from white.

My intuition has always been good. That, and I consistently have deja vu. From the dream about the Russian orphanage to conversations.. And then, there's karma and maybe, I need to let the Asian in me go and let go of all this stuff, because as I try to apply all these strategies that have become imbedded in me after living in the Eastern Hemisphere the last 8 years, I am getting deeper and deeper in holes that I haven't felt or seen for awhile.

Work seems incidental right now, because we are holding on together by a thread and delivering the most we can for the wild cards we are given.

Perhaps, it was the 1.5 pseudo relationship with someone who challenged me physically more than ever and came a close runner up on mentally and yet, I always knew something was not right. It was never natural, it was in so many ways and others as far as setting things up. And, then, when a year later, reality in the form of a wife, child and history in general came to reveal itself, I wasn't overly surprised..Then again, I am not sure anything is natural? Can all realms; physical, mental, emotional, organizational, etc. Can they really all be in alignment with your perfect partner? Aren't our oddities and differences what make us interesting to each other? If it was that easy, then why would we do it? I have to believe that's the case because I don't think I'll ever find someone that's as normal and crazy at the same time as I am...

Looking to my intelligences to help survive it all, release physically (kinisthetic); artistic; throw some pots or paint my walls? interpersonal; beforeidieiwantto.org....

So, Buddha, Allah, Mohammad, God, Jehovah, Virgin Mary, whoever is listening with elephant ears, I beg that you give me a good end to this year, with smiles, strong passion and above all belief in myself. I need to feel alive again and confident with my decisions and being.. No more second guessing..

xoxo

Election day

I have never woke up and been scared and I don't know if it was the effects of too much Polar beer (gotta stop drinking that stuff) or just feeling that I do actually live in one of the world's most dangerous cities, because when I woke up this morning at 4, to fireworks or some other kind of bomb like sounds continuously going off for an hour and I could see nothing in the dark except the glow off the buildings around me, I was nervous.

It's now 10:00 am and aside from the constant string of cars and more horns beeping then usual, it is an absolutely stunning day in Caracas. The sky is looking a bit like the Simpsons, fluffy clouds and periwinkle blue.. Let's hope it maintains a calm and the storm doesn't come when the voting booths close.

Elections, to me, are a fascinating discussion particularly in other countries because in my country, for as political and academic and focussed on creating change as it likes to promote itself to be, only about 40% of the population who can vote turns out to vote. Whereas, in Australia people are fined for not voting. In Venezuela, I was told 99% of eligible people vote by one taxi driver. Furthermore, to make sure people are making better decisions, the weekend before the elections is dry (without alcohol) like Thailand and some other Asian countries. And to think, in the US, I feel like a lot of people go out and get drunk before elections because sometimes it is an unusual day off in the middle of the week for people.

I guess my main point here is that people seem to care and while elections maybe potentially corrupt or bias, the fact that people actually take the time to line up for 1-3 hours to get into a booth shows dedicated effort to initiating change in a country that often has a reputation for being behind and lost led by the eyes of its bipolar president.

On another note, I had a moment last night, where I woke up and made a decision, one that will eternally improve my health and I am happy that I now want this change, truly, madly, deeply.

And, I will start training for a full marathon because of this decision, whether or not the race happens or not is to be seen.

Other than that, feeling a bit better about some things, not about others, it's good to talk things out. I think that is essentially the most important aspect of life, try to make sense of things by talking them out as much as humanly possible until you come up with a theory or way to make yourself feel better and relieved about it all.

Adios amigos..

A Place Where Things Come Alive

I woke up early on Saturday morning, after ordering pizza in Spanish and going into a carb coma from consuming too much of it, I slept a good 10 hours and my body thanked me kindly.
The beach was fun, calming, good to be in the water, how it calms my scorpio skin and I picked up a slight shade of gold after getting comments from some of my pastier colleagues on how I need to get some sun... I also received one of the nicest comments of my life from a random parking attendant at the beach, Christopher, as the boys called him. He said "Tu es claridad" which when I looked up meant brightness and glowing. How lovely of someone to pick up on that and to once and awhile eminate it to random strangers.

Saturday evening was a wild night, I drank too much wine, received 13 phone calls from a local number, tainted my lungs more than I have since I have been here, had crazy political talks with Chris and Guido about socialism in Venezuela, finished it off with chats about boys with Michael. Thank goodness for friends putting up with randomness. I think being new somehow makes you being a bit flaky and all over the place much more acceptable, but personally, it's somewhat unacceptable and I feel, as much as it's difficult to say to myself, I need to focus.

On a good note, I cranked out some emails to Columbia and University of Wisconsin Madison doctoral program leaders and created a somewhat feasible timeline for the beforeidieiwantto project.

I went to an incredible dance performance last night and although it took Linn and I a bit longer than we anticipated to get there, it was quite magical. The music was progressive and uplifting, the space was incredible, open air with water in the background, a amphitheatre sitting area and being able to sit outside under the stars, with kids playing and laughing happily in the background, surrounded by diverse people into art made it easier to breath. It made me love this city and the walk back to Altamira past Park Del Este where I'd ran earlier on in the day and the perfect 70 degree weather evening after the afternoon rain.. It's a place where even though the government sometimes makes things more difficult it also helps things come alive particularly with art and culture and health. And, coming from Dubai, where there weren't spaces to organize publicly, it's so great

I just keep thinking about the segments from the story that I read to my kids at the beginning of the year "On Beyond Zebra" by Dr. Seuss, how simple stories parallel our lives and should give us the patience to continue particularly when we read them again to laugh.

There's only now, there's only this, forget, regret or life is yours to miss.

Another gorgeous weekend: yoga in La Estancia, followed by a 35 B 3-course meal at the local version of an Asian open air market, with some reggaeton blasting while we eat bland seafood soup. A night full of laughter and golf swings, roast chicken, guasacaca, sharing music, movies and ideas. A morning running 6 km and an afternoon haring a 5km hash run with Eileen (Yay, amiga!) that ended up with folks old and new coming to be a part of something.

And then, a return to work, which continues to baffle me and make me wonder how and wonder why? The kids continue to challenge and inspire me particularly when I teach reading and writing, I thrive on helping them understand, watching them make inspiring connections and seeing them dive into their reading as much as I do. (Says the girl who is reading 4 books at once). However, after 30 years, and 1/3 of them working in the professional world, you think I might have been able to sort out finding a job that challenges me. And while a friend says focus, I have been more focussed in the last 2 years then ever when it comes to work and somehow, it seems to be using my face as a punching bag right now. My team is being good, working as hard as possible to keep things easy for me while trying to manage the 800 other things that get thrown at them. I am just trying to stay afloat in a few areas and my teaching is suffering a bit for it. In Math and Language, the kids get 150%, I love it, I know what I am doing. Quite frankly, I have never had difficulty ever adjusting a language arts program to meet my needs and the needs of my students. Nonetheless, when it comes to Science and Social Studies, I am finding it difficult to understand that collaborating between 4-5 people is impossible because we did it last year with 7 and yet, involving specialists is doing my head in and it makes me tempted to say "Just give it to me, all of it." But if I took that road, then my true passions such as L. Arts would suffer and I would shrivel up into a raisin...

So, I have started an application for the foreign service. With my luck, they'll say "red card" flaky peace corp applicant. Or, I'll have a really tough time passing the standardized test, yet, nonetheless, I am thinking that it might be time to take my people skills in a different direction when more frustration than satisfaction is beginning to arise in my current existence.

Bummer. We'll see, might as well get on the passive-aggressive new career track. I love teaching and will always give it my best go, I just feel I am swimming upstream right now...

Missing little pichaels with nicotine and vino issues, tall bald men with the pieces that fit the puzzle, music exchange with over-energetic Kiwis, runs and meals and inspiring life chats with a certain lady who hasn't recognized her addiction to diet coke and smoking.... To my gorgeous people, let us meet somewhere spectacular soon. :)

To teach or not to teach, that is the question?

Obviously, I am teaching. I already am not sure I like the sound of that; however, the last few weeks and number of punches in the stomach I have received has made me wonder, do I stay with this or talk about another passion and run with it...

On one level, when I am challenged and actively learning like students by absorbing myself in writing curriculum or reinventing the wheel on technology in my classroom, I am excited, overstimulated and nerdily engaged in my work. On the other hand, when I go to professional development meetings that are supposed to "develop" me and come out feeling like I need to enroll in taekwondo class again to rid myself of some of the anger, I am not sure I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now and that I am doing what I am supposed to.. I think the field and surrounding myself with people, actively visualizing and thinking about how to engage and combine strategies to make these kids love something is a great thing and I do that as much as I can with what I like working on, but how much is enough?

A colleague of mine posted a link to a cool website yesterday and the ted-talk that the Indian man did, http://www.ted.com/talks/sugata_mitra_the_child_driven_education.html made me think that I just want kids to want to learn, is that such a difficult task? Some kids want to learn but is it because of competition? Social constructions? the structure of school? Do the kids I teach have the same stamina as these kids who haven't been given anything? Sometimes, when they are in a moment and we exchange moments, I see it and it's gorgeous, there is nothing as wonderful as those kids connecting with the one time when your tooth fell out from a piece of halloween candy or you got nervous because your friend quit on you in a talent show. And the magic that comes from energizers when you are bouncing and the kids explode, their hands up aching to be called on to tell their stories and moments. These are what keep me sane as a teacher but the in between stuff is frustrating.

I guess I should be happy I mean, not a lot of people have so much satisfaction from their jobs. So, I should be satisfied with what I get, but this is my life and although I believe in reincarnation, I am not sure there will be more with these strengths, which leaves me back where I started.

I guess a bigger question is what on earth else would you do?

Cheese farm, I love cheese and the idea of being on a farm etc, but I am not sure I am romanticizing the reality on this one.

Grow grapes, more realistic but requires some schooling and a plot of land... Who do I get the earth from?

Open a bed and breakfast with Lisa in ???? Who's my sugar daddy?

Go back to Asia and get involved in the movement to help technology help kids learn in a way that they never imagined possible? Will I ever find love though?

So many options and yet, I like running, travelling, schedules and food and wine...

I think this will have to be reviewed shortly in the future because after the day I had involving my inspiration at the school resigning literally a month after school began, I am a bit biust and overwhelmed at the moment...

Revisit, rethink, reinvent...