The roller coaster.

I miss him, and yet, at the same time, I don't.  That smile, all muppet-esque, and the ability to sit and stare at me, it was impermanent, it was easy, it was thoughtless, which made it thoughtful.

Tonight, as I sit here, worrying about something else, that I am not so into, I wonder why, I wonder where is my passion and what I am doing.  I have been so lucky to be surrounded by gorgeous friends these past two weeks.  They have truly reminded me of who I am and yet, having that haunting feeling around you, making you more aware of the steps you are taking and doing, none are easy, none are completely you and when you don't have those big and beautiful people in your life that really get you to stop back, help you reflect and make sense of it all, then it's easy to live on a roller coaster.  This roller coaster is pretty smooth, it does not have any extreme highs or lows, it is a comfortable ride, but it's not one that makes you scream for your life or get really excited about the things that you are moving upwards towards.

I want that, I want to wake up and feel like I am running up a big hill and I want to get to the top and see something beautiful, if only for a second.  I want to see that beauty and than come intoxicatingly screaming down scared and getting goosebumps all at the same time.

And, I have reached this point of complacency, where work is good, and life is good but it's not that ride.   It's not the one that you wake up and get shudders from or the one that you surface out of the water and feel baptized.  They are possible, they will come, just welcome them back into your life and know that everything is yours.

With love...

There was something in the air...

So tomorrow, I turn 31, and quite possibly, it's the first time in my life, that I haven't cared about a birthday.  Having said that, tonight when I was walking home, there was an energy in the air.  You could hear faint cries of protests in the distance, the air was a pleasant but kinda bone chilling one and the hundreds of people walking home after getting kicked off buses which cut service for whatever reason, provided me with a smile and a warmth of being in Barcelona on this birthday.

Today, was one of intensity, coaching my Varsity girls volleyball team but I was proud of them.  They perservered and showed me what they were made of.  They have big hearts and an incredible ability to work together even though they haven't had tons of opportunities with the small group they have become in the last 3 weeks.

There was that energy and the ones from the Jordanian coaches, making me miss the Middle East, casually smoking cigarettes during the lunch break.  I loved that they didn't care, that they were naturally raw people just tending to their habits.  It's something you don't see all the time and it was refreshing and calming.

So, tonight, with something in the air, I will toast my team, my 31st year, this incredible Spanish city and hope that our energy remains fierce for tomorrow and Saturday with a local Spanish red...

Me gusta mi vida ahora...