I miss him, and yet, at the same time, I don't. That smile, all muppet-esque, and the ability to sit and stare at me, it was impermanent, it was easy, it was thoughtless, which made it thoughtful.
Tonight, as I sit here, worrying about something else, that I am not so into, I wonder why, I wonder where is my passion and what I am doing. I have been so lucky to be surrounded by gorgeous friends these past two weeks. They have truly reminded me of who I am and yet, having that haunting feeling around you, making you more aware of the steps you are taking and doing, none are easy, none are completely you and when you don't have those big and beautiful people in your life that really get you to stop back, help you reflect and make sense of it all, then it's easy to live on a roller coaster. This roller coaster is pretty smooth, it does not have any extreme highs or lows, it is a comfortable ride, but it's not one that makes you scream for your life or get really excited about the things that you are moving upwards towards.
I want that, I want to wake up and feel like I am running up a big hill and I want to get to the top and see something beautiful, if only for a second. I want to see that beauty and than come intoxicatingly screaming down scared and getting goosebumps all at the same time.
And, I have reached this point of complacency, where work is good, and life is good but it's not that ride. It's not the one that you wake up and get shudders from or the one that you surface out of the water and feel baptized. They are possible, they will come, just welcome them back into your life and know that everything is yours.
With love...
Tonight, as I sit here, worrying about something else, that I am not so into, I wonder why, I wonder where is my passion and what I am doing. I have been so lucky to be surrounded by gorgeous friends these past two weeks. They have truly reminded me of who I am and yet, having that haunting feeling around you, making you more aware of the steps you are taking and doing, none are easy, none are completely you and when you don't have those big and beautiful people in your life that really get you to stop back, help you reflect and make sense of it all, then it's easy to live on a roller coaster. This roller coaster is pretty smooth, it does not have any extreme highs or lows, it is a comfortable ride, but it's not one that makes you scream for your life or get really excited about the things that you are moving upwards towards.
I want that, I want to wake up and feel like I am running up a big hill and I want to get to the top and see something beautiful, if only for a second. I want to see that beauty and than come intoxicatingly screaming down scared and getting goosebumps all at the same time.
And, I have reached this point of complacency, where work is good, and life is good but it's not that ride. It's not the one that you wake up and get shudders from or the one that you surface out of the water and feel baptized. They are possible, they will come, just welcome them back into your life and know that everything is yours.
With love...
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