Because I am an educator, I have the luxury of well deserved long vacation breaks. Another added layer of excellence is that I am currently living in the European capitol of South America: Buenos Aires. This means we are on the Southern Hemisphere calendar and it’s summer so we are blessed with a 6 week break from December to February and a 6 week break June to July. I’ll save the bonus of having two summers for another blog post as this one is about relearning how to let go after being a Mom.
For the last 19 months since I had my incredible baby boy, my subconscious goal has been to be “supermom.” I never said it aloud but my actions spoke louder than words. I wouldn’t take a lot of help. I felt like I needed to be feeding, playing, reading, teaching, loving and essentially being everything to my child. I got mad at people because they weren’t putting in the effort I was. I wrote a manifesto to my late mother on how our ideas about life and motherhood are different and how we need to respect where we both come from. I laid into my husband for working too much and not spending enough time with Pablo. He made the point, “I wake up with and see my child go to sleep. Most of my friends can’t say that. Probably most of a lot of people can’t say that.”
And his point was pretty accurate. Even when I am working, I am lucky if I get to see my baby before I go to work in the morning.
Perhaps it’s the flood of “managing being an active parent without being a helicopter parent” articles that have been published in the last 5 years. Or maybe it’s me being a perfectionist. I know I have these tendencies but never have I admitted to them and simultaneously know they are impossible to achieve as a parent. With the right people and right timing, I think people could be perfectionists in their workspaces and flourish. As a parent, I am beginning to accept that perfection is all an illusion because it might feel like you have it for minutes but within seconds it can feel as if it was all in your head.
So besides the luck of having 2 long breaks, I am also blessed with a free spirited Spanish mother in law, who though at times can drive me crazy, has a warm heart and a hell of a lot of energy to boot for a women of almost 80. She has been helping these entire 6 weeks of vacation in Buenos Aires and she is nothing short of a small miracle. For awhile, I kept stern in my ways, getting up with Pablo, spending every minute of everyday with him that he was awake but over the last weeks, I have slowly started to let go and dear god, it feels good.
I started with letting her get up with Pablo on some mornings if he was up earlier than 9 and that extra hour or hour and a half of sleep made me a happier, stronger, more patient person during the course of the day. The simple beauty of being able to wake up and not get up with urgency is one that most parents of young children have said goodbye to
I moved on to letting her watch Pablo when my husband and I plus good friends travelled to Ushuaia for some adventures in nature.
This was challenging as Pablo had hand, foot, mouth disease, a modern day viral infection similar to the 80s chicken pox virus but worse in many ways. I don’t remember chicken pox having blisters in the mouth as a symptom. Having said that, there is nothing I could do any better than my mother in law. He needed rest, love, smooth, cold foods and lots of hugs. Between my helper and mother in law, they had Pablo covered and he has recovered.
And most recently within the last 24 hours, when a dear friend of mine was talking about booking a trip to Machu Pichu, I thought to myself aloud. “I really want to do that.” And like magic, I booked it and spoke to Andrés and we will figure out how to make it happen with logistics of childcare etc.
I used to believe that everyone, including myself, had to give everything they can and more to Pablo, that if we weren’t nurturing every second of his life that somehow he wouldn’t have the experience, wisdom, understanding of relationships that his peers and other kids do. But the more I learn, the more I realize, that if your child is mostly happy, healthy and loved, it really doesn’t matter who does it. Of course, it’s ideal that your child has a consistent group of caretakers but a consistent wave of love goes a long way too.
Circling back to the quote, up until recently, I thought I was a good mom because I was doing all the things that a theoretical “supermom” would have on her resume. Now, I understand that I am a better me: mom, educator, traveler, wife, photographer, explorer, learner and more, because I am learning to let go.
