Second guessing

I'm really not sure that being here, dating younger guys, missing Asia, missing good friends is a good lead into my 30th birthday. I thought I was doing well, I am running a lot, I am enjoying the lush green environment around me, I like walking etc. , I am working on my project, I was being a slave to the vibe at work (unacceptable);

But, in less than a month, my life seems to have turned like a pineapple upside down cake.. I feel like it was in pretty good layers, all of them different but pretty solid and now, it's like I don't know black from white.

My intuition has always been good. That, and I consistently have deja vu. From the dream about the Russian orphanage to conversations.. And then, there's karma and maybe, I need to let the Asian in me go and let go of all this stuff, because as I try to apply all these strategies that have become imbedded in me after living in the Eastern Hemisphere the last 8 years, I am getting deeper and deeper in holes that I haven't felt or seen for awhile.

Work seems incidental right now, because we are holding on together by a thread and delivering the most we can for the wild cards we are given.

Perhaps, it was the 1.5 pseudo relationship with someone who challenged me physically more than ever and came a close runner up on mentally and yet, I always knew something was not right. It was never natural, it was in so many ways and others as far as setting things up. And, then, when a year later, reality in the form of a wife, child and history in general came to reveal itself, I wasn't overly surprised..Then again, I am not sure anything is natural? Can all realms; physical, mental, emotional, organizational, etc. Can they really all be in alignment with your perfect partner? Aren't our oddities and differences what make us interesting to each other? If it was that easy, then why would we do it? I have to believe that's the case because I don't think I'll ever find someone that's as normal and crazy at the same time as I am...

Looking to my intelligences to help survive it all, release physically (kinisthetic); artistic; throw some pots or paint my walls? interpersonal; beforeidieiwantto.org....

So, Buddha, Allah, Mohammad, God, Jehovah, Virgin Mary, whoever is listening with elephant ears, I beg that you give me a good end to this year, with smiles, strong passion and above all belief in myself. I need to feel alive again and confident with my decisions and being.. No more second guessing..

xoxo