Not Supermom But Better

On Letting Go

Because I am an educator, I have the luxury of well deserved long vacation breaks. Another added layer of excellence is that I am currently living in the European capitol of South America: Buenos Aires. This means we are on the Southern Hemisphere calendar and it’s summer so we are blessed with a 6 week break from December to February and a 6 week break June to July. I’ll save the bonus of having two summers for another blog post as this one is about relearning how to let go after being a Mom. 

For the last 19 months since I had my incredible baby boy, my subconscious goal has been to be “supermom.” I never said it aloud but my actions spoke louder than words. I wouldn’t take a lot of help. I felt like I needed to be feeding, playing, reading, teaching, loving and essentially being everything to my child. I got mad at people because they weren’t putting in the effort I was. I wrote a manifesto to my late mother on how our ideas about life and motherhood are different and how we need to respect where we both come from.  I laid into my husband for working too much and not spending enough time with Pablo. He made the point, “I wake up with and see my child go to sleep. Most of my friends can’t say that. Probably most of a lot of people can’t say that.” 

And his point was pretty accurate. Even when I am working, I am lucky if I get to see my baby before I go to work in the morning. 

Perhaps it’s the flood of “managing being an active parent without being a helicopter parent” articles that have been published in the last 5 years. Or maybe it’s me being a perfectionist. I know I have these tendencies but never have I admitted to them and simultaneously know they are impossible to achieve as a parent. With the right people and right timing, I think people could be perfectionists in their workspaces and flourish. As a parent, I am beginning to accept that perfection is all an illusion because it might feel like you have it for minutes but within seconds it can feel as if it was all in your head. 

So besides the luck of having 2 long breaks, I am also blessed with a free spirited Spanish mother in law, who though at times can drive me crazy, has a warm heart and a hell of a lot of energy to boot for a women of almost 80.  She has been helping these entire 6 weeks of vacation in Buenos Aires and she is nothing short of a small miracle.  For awhile, I kept stern in my ways, getting up with Pablo, spending every minute of everyday with him that he was awake but over the last weeks, I have slowly started to let go and dear god, it feels good.

I started with letting her get up with Pablo on some mornings if he was up earlier than 9 and that extra hour or hour and a half of sleep made me a happier, stronger, more patient person during the course of the day.   The simple beauty of being able to wake up and not get up with urgency is one that most parents of young children have said goodbye to 

I moved on to letting her watch Pablo when my husband and I plus good friends travelled to Ushuaia for some adventures in nature. 

This was challenging as Pablo had hand, foot, mouth disease, a modern day viral infection similar to the 80s chicken pox virus but worse in many ways. I don’t remember chicken pox having blisters in the mouth as a symptom.  Having said that, there is nothing I could do any better than my mother in law. He needed rest, love, smooth, cold foods and lots of hugs. Between my helper and mother in law, they had Pablo covered and he has recovered. 

And most recently within the last 24 hours, when a dear friend of mine was talking about booking a trip to Machu Pichu, I thought to myself aloud. “I really want to do that.” And like magic, I booked it and spoke to Andrés and we will figure out how to make it happen with logistics of childcare etc. 

 I used to believe that everyone, including myself, had to give everything they can and more to Pablo, that if we weren’t nurturing every second of his life that somehow he wouldn’t have the experience, wisdom, understanding of relationships that his peers and other kids do. But the more I learn, the more I realize, that if your child is mostly happy, healthy and loved,  it really doesn’t matter who does it. Of course, it’s ideal that your child has a consistent group of caretakers but a consistent wave of love goes a long way too. 

Circling back to the quote, up until recently, I thought I was a good mom because I was doing all the things that a theoretical “supermom” would have on her resume.   Now, I understand that I am a better me: mom, educator, traveler, wife, photographer, explorer, learner and more, because I am learning to let go.  

#goals 2019

I posted my goals for 2019 on facebook a few days ago but I realized that some of these seem like bucket list items when in all actuality they are much more connected to my overall well being.  So here's a little background on this goal list, while part of it was spontaneous, so much of it was rooted in all I need to live a life that makes me the best me.

1.  Run another marathon or 30+ km trail run. Goals are good for you, but exercise goals are good for you to the moon and back.  In the words of Elle Woods, "exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and happy people don't kill their husbands." But really, when I have an upcoming longer race, I am more focused. I feel more capable of giving Pablo the patience he deserves.  I am generally a happier, more carefree, peaceful person to be around because I am getting a lot of the frustration, grit, woes of life out on the pavement rather than letting my mind make a hot mess of it or talking it to death with friends.

2. Learn how to play the ukulele.  A friend of mine who teaches MS Health and Wellness has recently been modeling growth mindset by practicing the drums for 3 minutes a day and she is getting better.  She's proud of herself and she's inspired me and a whole bunch of students to go out and try something new that you always wanted to do.  While my Spanish isn't perfect, I feel like living in Argentina, it is getting better more and more, and I am halfway through a graduate certificate in Student Centered Coaching.  I am finding it hard to find ceramics in BA so far, so I wanted something I could do with my hands, and also something that Pablo could benefit from too.  He loves it when I sing to him, so this will be an added bonus.   And when mentioning this interest to Andres, I learned that he too would like to be able to play the ukulele, helping me gain a new insight on my partner that made me smile.

3.  Visit 5 new countries: Uruguay-check, Chile, Bolivia, ?, ? 

Uruguay was a family trip. Chile might be a combined goal #1 and 3 trip, me thinks there are some good opportunities for trail running in a nice climate.  Bolivia is a place I have dreamed of visiting since first traveling in South America in 2010 and everyone insisting that it is one of the most unique places to visit in SA, and the other ?s I leave open with the hope to do a service learning/ giving back to a community trip, and perhaps another will involve personal professional development.  We'll see.  Most of all, I am happy to be in a continent that has lots of new territory to explore and lots of new stories to listen to.

4.  Have more sex.  Many mothers know that it can be awhile before you get your body back and feel like it's yours.  Typically, this is both literally and metaphorically.  Nevertheless, sex is one of the few things that can give us light emotionally, physically, and if it's good, spiritually and of course, it provides connection, giving the added benefit of your partner, partners, etc, feeling good too.

5. Strengthen my shoulders. A lot of my stress stores itself inside my shoulders.  I tend to feel this more on holidays when I have to lift Pablo a lot more and he's at the age 1.5, where momma is center stage, and he wants to be in my arms a lot.  If I can find a successful shoulder workout and some equipment/ a quiet space to work them out,  this will help alleviate a lot of the physical pain I have.  We must take care of our bodies, particularly the parts that are screaming out for help.

6. Go on solo trips with Lisa R, Kristen, BA Girls, Fran, Heather R.  Reality is, I probably can't afford to go actual trips with all these ladies, but I can probably get them to come see me or go see them in their hometowns, or meet somewhere in the middle (Kristen).   My partner takes a trip with his boys every year.  It's in the same place every year, but I know it rejuvenates him.  Before Pablo, I did this more and with kids comes pleasure and sacrifices, but these ladies are key listeners and confidants in my life, and the importance of nurturing and maintaining these relationships is on the level of taking daily medicine.

7.  Do a consulting gig for Erin.  Literacy for me is the one part of my job I will always be obsessed with learning new things about and doing more with.  As an instructional coach, I work with teachers across subject areas but my heart and soul goes back to helping kids learn how to read and write because it can empower them and open their lives to so much more.  Erin Kent is an inspiring literacy leader and consultant, and I hope that I can work for/ with her in 2019.

8.  Complete a sailing course.  Andres and I are very different but this is something physical besides the other obvious physical item, in which we could potentially bond.  He's happily indulging my eat, drink and be merry in some of South America's best restaurants. And, I am hoping that doing a beginning sailing course to cushion his captain's license, will give us more opportunities to be together in ways outside of our home. 

9. Complete the Slice of Life challenge in March again.   For those of you who don't know, the Slice of Life challenge, is a challenge to bloggers to write everyday for a month.  While it's incredibly time-consuming and sometimes the last thing you want to do, my creativity surged when I did it last year and it made my words float around in the world with an audience that I may have never had otherwise. 

10.  Meal plan and prep creative meals 3/5 days a week.  Living in a conscientious country that has four seasons and eats seasonally is not something to take for granted.  In Malaysia, we did eat seasonally but the carbon footprint of everything that came from Northern Asia or Australia/ New Zealand was not something any kind of eco-friendly or trying to be eco-friendly person wants to acknowledge.  Here in Buenos aires, food is seasonal and very well priced, particularly fruits and vegetables.  This goal is for my family, to eat less meat, to take full advantage of the different seasonal produce, and to inspire us to create new and interesting dishes to share with others in similar situations.  It is my hope that another blog could grow out of this goal.

So there they are, a little more mapped out, and with a lot more information on the purpose behind each of these big kahunas.   Looking forward to seeing what will come out of the beautiful chaos that 2019 might certainly be.

#running #trailrunning #ukulele #learning #growthmindset #Uruguay #travel #servicelearning #sex #wellbeing #strong #nurture #friendships #consulting #literacy #booklove #sailing #partnerships #getoutmoreoften #SOL19 #sliceoflife #meals #food #seasonal #ecological #bemoregreen #eatlessmeat #newblogs #newstories 

A Little More Sad, but also, A Little More Alive.

It's been approximately 11 days since my mom died.  She was 64.  Although she was fragile
emotionally, she was physically in decent looking health or so it appeared from the outside.  Somebody said to me recently "Even if you know or can prepare, you really can't prepare to know what it's going to feel like."

The last two weeks have been a rollercoaster ride to say the least.   I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom like I always do and went to get my phone so it would be by my bedside when the alarm rang in the morning.  I don't like it close to me at night because I really do want to rest and the notifications, lights, temptation of getting sucked in if I do wake up is not as precious as shut eye especially as a parent of a 15 month old baby boy, currently called "terremoto" or earthquake by his parents; and "tropical storm" by his uncle and cousin.

I had a message on my phone from my dad "Call. Urgent," and another few missed phone calls from both my father and my brother.  Although in my mind, I had always mentally prepared for it to happen this way with my parents, I wasn't ready.  Living overseas, you hope that your parents just forgot about the time difference, or your credit card got corrupted.

You never actually believe that your going to get the call: Your mother is on life support. Her chances aren't good.
You call back, talk to your brother who has just arrived, who hands you to your father.  All the while trying to remain calm:  Do I need to get on a plane?
No, you just need to know.  You might not get here. 
I can tell I am not getting the whole story here.  I probe.  How bad is it?
The doctor said she has less than a 25% chance to live.  But you probably won't make it. 
Part of me is annoyed inside and also empathetic and also helpless.  Is my father trying to guilt trip me that I live abroad in this moment?  I know he wants his family near him in this challenging time but what can I do?
Just keep us in your thoughts.  We'll talk soon.

I try to go back to sleep at 2:30 in the morning and my conscience is not letting that happen.  I start looking at flights.  The earliest I can get to Tulsa is 9 am on Thursday morning.  It's now 3 am on Wednesday morning.

I try to go back to the last time we talked, making sure it was good.  It was.  Sunday, September 2nd in the afternoon.  Pablo was cheerful.  He was walking and tooling around, bouncing on the trampoline, laughing smile, which when the stars align like osmosis can transfer to my mom, and on this particular afternoon it did.  She was smiles.  We left planning to chat soon and she thanked me for the sunshine of my son.

I guess what I am trying to deal with is the fact that I keep on expecting her to come around the corner in this old house.  I expect her to yell at me when I am cooking dinner to "Pay attention." I expect her to get annoyed with all of Pablo's toys floating around and ask me to "Put them in a central space."  I expect her to cry at least once when I am on my visit and for her to tell me "how proud she is of me and how lucky I am in this life."  Most of all, I want to snuggle next to her on the sofa with the dog, because I know that she loved this time when we all cuddled together, especially in her last few years.

And I am heartbroken.  I am sad that my child will not get to know his grandmother.  I am sorrowful that she will never physically see other grandchildren if I have them.  I am sad that my dad's heart is aching like I have never seen it ache.  In ways, it's beautiful to see his emotional vulnerability and in other ways it's absolutely terrifying and painstaking.

Most of all, I wish she would have known, that even though we were different, I so respect her for contributing to me and who I am today.  I admire her for walking the Camino de Santiago at the age of 60 after shattering her heel.  And I bend down to her for being a companion and life partner to my dad the last 20 years of their marriage which has definitely seen it's ups and downs.  And it's not been until the last 10 days at home, without her, that I fully understand how much they need one another. Finally, I thank her for helping me feel so much again.  Since Pablo was born, I sometimes feel like more of a robot than a person, and although this death is tragic, it has given me a newfound respect for life and made me feel more alive and whole than I have in awhile.

For now, I am floating through the world, a little more aware, a little more sad but also, a little more alive with this thought hanging on my hip.

Moving Woes 2018

The cries, they are painstaking; seeing his face when he cries is even worse, so here I am trying to do a slice of life because it's a distraction from them.

The transition is real for this sweet child of mine.  Many of my friends said "he'll be fine, he is just a baby."  The reality is he knows.  He knows that the air freshener in his grandmother's summer beach house was the one we had in our toilet in Kuala Lumpur.  He knows that the remotes should turn on air conditioners.  He knows that sleeping in different beds and seeing new people all the time means something is not right in his world.  He has felt this move and because of that I have felt it more. 

One part of me is appreciating this time of wonder and smiles and courageous risk taking and constant skin to skin snuggles.  The other part of me wonders if I am causing permanent damage in my child's life by taking him away from his third parent, Cora, our nanny of the last year; by taking him away from his friends who he can poke and prod and they usually reciprocate; by challenging him to adapt to a new world that we are still 8 days away from.

Moving has never been so complicated in my life; coupled with Andres working a ton and feeling like a single parent, two summer breaks of not really breaks, this mom is #wornout #exhausted #wondering if it's all worth it.

So for those of you with experience, this is a call for help, please reach out to me via facebook, whatsapp, etc.,  I need to know that Pablo and I are going to make it through this, or some magic tricks that will help make it easier.  Experience is priceless and I am banking on the wonderful set of expertise that lies in all corners of the world to lift me up.

Xoxo 

My Recurring University Dream

I have this recurring dream of being back in university. 
Last night, it involved me taking 8 courses, including painting and Albanian history? Much of the dream took place at the registrar's office dealing with outdated paperwork that looked identical to that of when I was in university 20 years ago. 

It was all very vivid.  The stormy stone cement campus walls on the "dark side" and somewhat shady, often unoccupied, wind tunnel breezeways.  The crisp, autumn, upstate New York breeze that has you coveting a Chai Tea Latte, and the goosebumps spirals up your legs from the loose bottoms of your light Aeropostale cozy sweat pants that are not worth of an ever lurking unpredictable northeastern winter. 

In my dream, I float around, nostalgic for the innocent learning and ability to soak everything in and just talk about it and not be expected to immediately change the landscape or world with it.  Of course, I can if I want to but how I do it is entirely up to me and not prescribed.  Knowledge can stew and be conversed about and saturate awhile and the expectations of social activism and making a difference during university in my day (early 2000s) were low. 

Most of all, I miss the freedom.  My life was not anybody else's in university except mine and it's a unique point in your life where you can truly say that.

My Bollywood Soulmate

"When we are happy, we are good; but when we are good, we aren't always happy. " Oscar Wilde

This line takes me to so many moments in my life, but one that I probably haven't written about often.  You see in my 20s, shortly after I married and moved to India, I had an emotional affair. 

I met a man who probably in another lifetime was or will be my soulmate.  I met a man who ignited an energy in me I didn't know was possible in my 25 years of existence.  This man was not my husband.  For matters of respect, I'll call the man Abishek because in many ways he had his charm, vivacity and brutish good looks of the handsome Indian actor.

I was 25 and out with some young friends one night at a bar.  My husband at the time (now my ex-husband) was away on work.  At the time, he was away on work at least 50% of our weeks, if not more, it was challenging being in a dynamic place like India and not getting to process it together, still the same, I was not looking for trouble.

I am a good girl, from receiving the Citizenship award in 5th grade to being one of the 3 selected May Day girls in 8th grade to being selected for Who's Who Among American High School Students and a number of other awards for good character in my life. I repeat, I was not looking for trouble.

Having said that, I believe in energy, forces, life-quickenings and this moment was one that I will never forget and that I hope will continue to grow in my next lives if reincarnation does exist.

"Have you seen Bride and Prejudice?" One of my friends asked giggling.
I responded "Yes, if I ever get married again or in my next life, I want an Indian Bollywood dance, to bring me together with my partner.  I want us to both be dancing and then the choreography magically swirls us together."

In steps, Abishek "I can make that happen."

I was taken aback.  A Northern Indian looking man with big round eyes, dark thick eyebrows and thick wavy hair turned around and drove right into our conversation "What?" I asked.

"The Bollywood dance. The Choreography.  The Indian wedding." He said cheekily.

And for whatever reason, perhaps my 25-year old naivety; perhaps, the movie star smile or perhaps, real and pure magic happened, but I did believe him and I knew somehow in my life that perhaps that wedding had already happened or would happen sometime when our souls knew each other or would know one another again.

The rest of the evening transpired.  Abishek is the person in my life who dreams like no other person I know so far.  He doesn't believe in limits.  He believes in love.  He creates wonderful advertisements that make hearts flutter.  He aspires to spread love through film, through commercials, through jingles, through messages, through applications. And, when I am around him,  I too believe  and I can ask questions that make his dreams grow new sprouts within seconds.

Abishek and I had an 80s movie night that evening and many after.  Long, dreamy conversations that I can visualize to this day, walking under canopies of trees, sensual spices floating through the air, bidding adieu with an awkward hug or pat and waiting for a kiss, but I was good, and sometimes, rarely, goodness may fester more problems than it solves.

If you're lucky, you'll get more Abishek slices later. He has been a presence in my life since 25.  He's no longer dangerous and I believe he probably won't be in this lifetime but I have no doubt our collective wonder and spirit will penetrate many lives to come.

#SOL #TWTBlog #Oldfriends #Soulmates

Cooking Cacophony

Chop, cut, slice.
Chop, cut, slice.
Chop, cut, slice.
Snip, Snap, Sizzle.

Snip, Snap, Sizzle.
Snip, Snap, Sizzle.
Snip, Snap, Sizzle.
Steam, Broil, Soften.

Toss, Squeeze, Douse
Salad check.


Juice, Pour, Pinch.
Juice, Pour, Pinch.
Juice, Pour, Pinch.
Marinate s-l-o-w-ly.

Dip, Fold, Flop.
Dip, Fold, Flop.
Dip, Fold, Flop
Drizzle, Smudge, Dunk.

Sprinkle, Dash, Bake.
Salmon in the oven.

Clink, Clack, Click.
Ding-Dang-Ring.

"Time for dinner, honey."

#SOLTuesday #TWTBlog #Cooking