Dragonfly Pandemonium

A Ding
Two Horns Blare
Then the train revs up it's engine
Firing past the park
Like a stampede of bulls

And as the rumble starts to die down
An explosion of butterflies
Dragonfly pandemonium
The air is buzzing

Woosh. Wee.
Engulfed by bugs,
We pause enjoying
the dances all around us.

#SOL19 #SliceofLife #Natureswonder

Keeping up with 20 months old.

When the first drop of noise comes out of the corner from down the hall, my body twitches.  I roll around thinking to myself, let it be a nightmare, let it be a sweat, let it not be... then, there it is the morning wail to let me know I am to deliver milk, and scoop you into my arms and remind you that you aren't alone in the house and that you are surrounded by love.

It's Saturday and while papa is not here to share the laughter, the pool time, the crying, the load, I have decided to get out of the house and go on an adventure.  We eat an amazing breakfast this morning, inspired by you, dear P, avocados and scrambled eggs, and toast with homemade raspberry preserves.  And then, we pack up: 2 diapers, 1 big bottle of water for mama, 1 small bottle of water for P,  and a recyclable sandwich baggie fulled of pseudo healthy snacks: raisins, peanuts, oatmeal cereal bears, 2 cinnamon cookies, chopped up apricots, and salted Peruvian corn.  Plus a pouch to help us survive the train journey down to Palermo.  It's a gorgeous day and with the puree of pomegranates, pears, carrots and oats, you are relaxed and geared up to go, until we get on the train and you decide that being still is not feeling good.  One minute you point to the train seat, and I move you and you sit gracious for 5 minutes, pointing here and there and everywhere, until you realize your stroller is empty which of course, makes you want to be there.  Why wouldn't it? Empty spots shout to be made full. 

At the park, you insist upon the see-saw "Up-down" I say intensely trying to increase vocabulary but feeling like a broken record. 

By the time we reach the restaurant for lunch, you are full of all the snacks from before.  But mama is with another mama, and we know this story like the back of our hand.  We choose the terrace of a cafe that is a bamboo jungle with easy to view spots for you, dear P to run around, to make friends, to smile at babies, to turn over sugar bowls, to throw rocks, and to get lost in your imagination. 

On the way home, going in and out of the calm and the storm, I desperately long for naptime, to get in my slice, to tidy up the house a bit, to take a shower...

With a splash of milk, and a change of diaper, you magically concur.  It's time for everyone to get their daily dose to themselves: naps, dreams, silence reside as we speak.   With that, I am off to indulge in a little siesta myself.  Happy Saturday! 

The ABCs of Living Abroad

This morning started with the air and the sun opening their hearts to the Argentine fall.  I walked to school in a long sleeved shirt, with the breeze sweeping across my face, softly opening my still sleepy eyes.  It was Friday! A long weekend was coming! I was more than half way through my single parenting stint and the weather was flat out spectacular.  I arrived at school a minute or two late as I was relishing in the B-beauty of it. 

I arrived to school sat down to my first conversation of the day, a coaching cycle with a teacher on High School integrated Physics and Chemistry.  We spoke of what's next, some guided inquiry strategies and got revved up for the next week which will introduce waves.  We previewed hooks and discussed student accountability.  I was 2-0.  My day had started off with two beautiful moments before 10 am... Wooee!

After the chat my coachee, I decided to treat myself to Starbucks.  I had held out all week and was craving a cold brew so I got my reusable Starbucks cup and walked over and my crush on the Argentine fall weather got even stronger.  I walked to the counter, ordered a cold brew and handed the cashier my cup.  She said to me straight faced in Spanish "We don't serve cold drinks in these cups."  I straight faced, no tone, no angst, said "Why?" And I didn't get a response.  This proceeded to a stare down.   Then she got another cup, a plastic one, to which I firmly responded.  "Please don't use that plastic cup. That's why I brought my own. "  The stare down went on, by this time the line was growing.   Finally, she took the cup and put it next to the place where the coffee orders would be made.  She had put the plastic cup from before away but I thought I might as well just give her the benefit of the doubt that the process in between of getting the coffee in the cup would be a pure, non plastic escapade.  I chose to turn the other way.  Bottomline is this moment, was my A of the day, annoying.  When you are trying to be environmental conscious and the inability to think outside of a box gets in the way... let's just say I have the image of a goat ramming it's horns against a wall and not getting anywhere.

The final letter of tonight is the C-care... There is so many places I can go with this but being abroad I am thankful for the care I am able to give my child and myself.  Today, I got home from work, went for a quick 5 km run and then was able to come home and have physiotherapy at my house.  My physiotherapist takes good care of me.  She does ultrasound therapy and then massage and on top of that, she is an Argentine-German lady that speaks 3 languages and is my age with a child a similar age to Pablo, so we can chat about everything from here to the moon.   Meanwhile, while Sandra cared for me, my helper, Vero, took Pablo to the park which made everything better for everyone.  I thank the spirits above, whoever, whatever they are for allowing me to take care of myself and take care of others.  It is something that is easy to take for granted.

#ABC #Lifeabroad #SOL19 #SliceofLifeChallenge 

Not Supermom But Better

On Letting Go

Because I am an educator, I have the luxury of well deserved long vacation breaks. Another added layer of excellence is that I am currently living in the European capitol of South America: Buenos Aires. This means we are on the Southern Hemisphere calendar and it’s summer so we are blessed with a 6 week break from December to February and a 6 week break June to July. I’ll save the bonus of having two summers for another blog post as this one is about relearning how to let go after being a Mom. 

For the last 19 months since I had my incredible baby boy, my subconscious goal has been to be “supermom.” I never said it aloud but my actions spoke louder than words. I wouldn’t take a lot of help. I felt like I needed to be feeding, playing, reading, teaching, loving and essentially being everything to my child. I got mad at people because they weren’t putting in the effort I was. I wrote a manifesto to my late mother on how our ideas about life and motherhood are different and how we need to respect where we both come from.  I laid into my husband for working too much and not spending enough time with Pablo. He made the point, “I wake up with and see my child go to sleep. Most of my friends can’t say that. Probably most of a lot of people can’t say that.” 

And his point was pretty accurate. Even when I am working, I am lucky if I get to see my baby before I go to work in the morning. 

Perhaps it’s the flood of “managing being an active parent without being a helicopter parent” articles that have been published in the last 5 years. Or maybe it’s me being a perfectionist. I know I have these tendencies but never have I admitted to them and simultaneously know they are impossible to achieve as a parent. With the right people and right timing, I think people could be perfectionists in their workspaces and flourish. As a parent, I am beginning to accept that perfection is all an illusion because it might feel like you have it for minutes but within seconds it can feel as if it was all in your head. 

So besides the luck of having 2 long breaks, I am also blessed with a free spirited Spanish mother in law, who though at times can drive me crazy, has a warm heart and a hell of a lot of energy to boot for a women of almost 80.  She has been helping these entire 6 weeks of vacation in Buenos Aires and she is nothing short of a small miracle.  For awhile, I kept stern in my ways, getting up with Pablo, spending every minute of everyday with him that he was awake but over the last weeks, I have slowly started to let go and dear god, it feels good.

I started with letting her get up with Pablo on some mornings if he was up earlier than 9 and that extra hour or hour and a half of sleep made me a happier, stronger, more patient person during the course of the day.   The simple beauty of being able to wake up and not get up with urgency is one that most parents of young children have said goodbye to 

I moved on to letting her watch Pablo when my husband and I plus good friends travelled to Ushuaia for some adventures in nature. 

This was challenging as Pablo had hand, foot, mouth disease, a modern day viral infection similar to the 80s chicken pox virus but worse in many ways. I don’t remember chicken pox having blisters in the mouth as a symptom.  Having said that, there is nothing I could do any better than my mother in law. He needed rest, love, smooth, cold foods and lots of hugs. Between my helper and mother in law, they had Pablo covered and he has recovered. 

And most recently within the last 24 hours, when a dear friend of mine was talking about booking a trip to Machu Pichu, I thought to myself aloud. “I really want to do that.” And like magic, I booked it and spoke to Andrés and we will figure out how to make it happen with logistics of childcare etc. 

 I used to believe that everyone, including myself, had to give everything they can and more to Pablo, that if we weren’t nurturing every second of his life that somehow he wouldn’t have the experience, wisdom, understanding of relationships that his peers and other kids do. But the more I learn, the more I realize, that if your child is mostly happy, healthy and loved,  it really doesn’t matter who does it. Of course, it’s ideal that your child has a consistent group of caretakers but a consistent wave of love goes a long way too. 

Circling back to the quote, up until recently, I thought I was a good mom because I was doing all the things that a theoretical “supermom” would have on her resume.   Now, I understand that I am a better me: mom, educator, traveler, wife, photographer, explorer, learner and more, because I am learning to let go.  

#goals 2019

I posted my goals for 2019 on facebook a few days ago but I realized that some of these seem like bucket list items when in all actuality they are much more connected to my overall well being.  So here's a little background on this goal list, while part of it was spontaneous, so much of it was rooted in all I need to live a life that makes me the best me.

1.  Run another marathon or 30+ km trail run. Goals are good for you, but exercise goals are good for you to the moon and back.  In the words of Elle Woods, "exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and happy people don't kill their husbands." But really, when I have an upcoming longer race, I am more focused. I feel more capable of giving Pablo the patience he deserves.  I am generally a happier, more carefree, peaceful person to be around because I am getting a lot of the frustration, grit, woes of life out on the pavement rather than letting my mind make a hot mess of it or talking it to death with friends.

2. Learn how to play the ukulele.  A friend of mine who teaches MS Health and Wellness has recently been modeling growth mindset by practicing the drums for 3 minutes a day and she is getting better.  She's proud of herself and she's inspired me and a whole bunch of students to go out and try something new that you always wanted to do.  While my Spanish isn't perfect, I feel like living in Argentina, it is getting better more and more, and I am halfway through a graduate certificate in Student Centered Coaching.  I am finding it hard to find ceramics in BA so far, so I wanted something I could do with my hands, and also something that Pablo could benefit from too.  He loves it when I sing to him, so this will be an added bonus.   And when mentioning this interest to Andres, I learned that he too would like to be able to play the ukulele, helping me gain a new insight on my partner that made me smile.

3.  Visit 5 new countries: Uruguay-check, Chile, Bolivia, ?, ? 

Uruguay was a family trip. Chile might be a combined goal #1 and 3 trip, me thinks there are some good opportunities for trail running in a nice climate.  Bolivia is a place I have dreamed of visiting since first traveling in South America in 2010 and everyone insisting that it is one of the most unique places to visit in SA, and the other ?s I leave open with the hope to do a service learning/ giving back to a community trip, and perhaps another will involve personal professional development.  We'll see.  Most of all, I am happy to be in a continent that has lots of new territory to explore and lots of new stories to listen to.

4.  Have more sex.  Many mothers know that it can be awhile before you get your body back and feel like it's yours.  Typically, this is both literally and metaphorically.  Nevertheless, sex is one of the few things that can give us light emotionally, physically, and if it's good, spiritually and of course, it provides connection, giving the added benefit of your partner, partners, etc, feeling good too.

5. Strengthen my shoulders. A lot of my stress stores itself inside my shoulders.  I tend to feel this more on holidays when I have to lift Pablo a lot more and he's at the age 1.5, where momma is center stage, and he wants to be in my arms a lot.  If I can find a successful shoulder workout and some equipment/ a quiet space to work them out,  this will help alleviate a lot of the physical pain I have.  We must take care of our bodies, particularly the parts that are screaming out for help.

6. Go on solo trips with Lisa R, Kristen, BA Girls, Fran, Heather R.  Reality is, I probably can't afford to go actual trips with all these ladies, but I can probably get them to come see me or go see them in their hometowns, or meet somewhere in the middle (Kristen).   My partner takes a trip with his boys every year.  It's in the same place every year, but I know it rejuvenates him.  Before Pablo, I did this more and with kids comes pleasure and sacrifices, but these ladies are key listeners and confidants in my life, and the importance of nurturing and maintaining these relationships is on the level of taking daily medicine.

7.  Do a consulting gig for Erin.  Literacy for me is the one part of my job I will always be obsessed with learning new things about and doing more with.  As an instructional coach, I work with teachers across subject areas but my heart and soul goes back to helping kids learn how to read and write because it can empower them and open their lives to so much more.  Erin Kent is an inspiring literacy leader and consultant, and I hope that I can work for/ with her in 2019.

8.  Complete a sailing course.  Andres and I are very different but this is something physical besides the other obvious physical item, in which we could potentially bond.  He's happily indulging my eat, drink and be merry in some of South America's best restaurants. And, I am hoping that doing a beginning sailing course to cushion his captain's license, will give us more opportunities to be together in ways outside of our home. 

9. Complete the Slice of Life challenge in March again.   For those of you who don't know, the Slice of Life challenge, is a challenge to bloggers to write everyday for a month.  While it's incredibly time-consuming and sometimes the last thing you want to do, my creativity surged when I did it last year and it made my words float around in the world with an audience that I may have never had otherwise. 

10.  Meal plan and prep creative meals 3/5 days a week.  Living in a conscientious country that has four seasons and eats seasonally is not something to take for granted.  In Malaysia, we did eat seasonally but the carbon footprint of everything that came from Northern Asia or Australia/ New Zealand was not something any kind of eco-friendly or trying to be eco-friendly person wants to acknowledge.  Here in Buenos aires, food is seasonal and very well priced, particularly fruits and vegetables.  This goal is for my family, to eat less meat, to take full advantage of the different seasonal produce, and to inspire us to create new and interesting dishes to share with others in similar situations.  It is my hope that another blog could grow out of this goal.

So there they are, a little more mapped out, and with a lot more information on the purpose behind each of these big kahunas.   Looking forward to seeing what will come out of the beautiful chaos that 2019 might certainly be.

#running #trailrunning #ukulele #learning #growthmindset #Uruguay #travel #servicelearning #sex #wellbeing #strong #nurture #friendships #consulting #literacy #booklove #sailing #partnerships #getoutmoreoften #SOL19 #sliceoflife #meals #food #seasonal #ecological #bemoregreen #eatlessmeat #newblogs #newstories 

A Little More Sad, but also, A Little More Alive.

It's been approximately 11 days since my mom died.  She was 64.  Although she was fragile
emotionally, she was physically in decent looking health or so it appeared from the outside.  Somebody said to me recently "Even if you know or can prepare, you really can't prepare to know what it's going to feel like."

The last two weeks have been a rollercoaster ride to say the least.   I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom like I always do and went to get my phone so it would be by my bedside when the alarm rang in the morning.  I don't like it close to me at night because I really do want to rest and the notifications, lights, temptation of getting sucked in if I do wake up is not as precious as shut eye especially as a parent of a 15 month old baby boy, currently called "terremoto" or earthquake by his parents; and "tropical storm" by his uncle and cousin.

I had a message on my phone from my dad "Call. Urgent," and another few missed phone calls from both my father and my brother.  Although in my mind, I had always mentally prepared for it to happen this way with my parents, I wasn't ready.  Living overseas, you hope that your parents just forgot about the time difference, or your credit card got corrupted.

You never actually believe that your going to get the call: Your mother is on life support. Her chances aren't good.
You call back, talk to your brother who has just arrived, who hands you to your father.  All the while trying to remain calm:  Do I need to get on a plane?
No, you just need to know.  You might not get here. 
I can tell I am not getting the whole story here.  I probe.  How bad is it?
The doctor said she has less than a 25% chance to live.  But you probably won't make it. 
Part of me is annoyed inside and also empathetic and also helpless.  Is my father trying to guilt trip me that I live abroad in this moment?  I know he wants his family near him in this challenging time but what can I do?
Just keep us in your thoughts.  We'll talk soon.

I try to go back to sleep at 2:30 in the morning and my conscience is not letting that happen.  I start looking at flights.  The earliest I can get to Tulsa is 9 am on Thursday morning.  It's now 3 am on Wednesday morning.

I try to go back to the last time we talked, making sure it was good.  It was.  Sunday, September 2nd in the afternoon.  Pablo was cheerful.  He was walking and tooling around, bouncing on the trampoline, laughing smile, which when the stars align like osmosis can transfer to my mom, and on this particular afternoon it did.  She was smiles.  We left planning to chat soon and she thanked me for the sunshine of my son.

I guess what I am trying to deal with is the fact that I keep on expecting her to come around the corner in this old house.  I expect her to yell at me when I am cooking dinner to "Pay attention." I expect her to get annoyed with all of Pablo's toys floating around and ask me to "Put them in a central space."  I expect her to cry at least once when I am on my visit and for her to tell me "how proud she is of me and how lucky I am in this life."  Most of all, I want to snuggle next to her on the sofa with the dog, because I know that she loved this time when we all cuddled together, especially in her last few years.

And I am heartbroken.  I am sad that my child will not get to know his grandmother.  I am sorrowful that she will never physically see other grandchildren if I have them.  I am sad that my dad's heart is aching like I have never seen it ache.  In ways, it's beautiful to see his emotional vulnerability and in other ways it's absolutely terrifying and painstaking.

Most of all, I wish she would have known, that even though we were different, I so respect her for contributing to me and who I am today.  I admire her for walking the Camino de Santiago at the age of 60 after shattering her heel.  And I bend down to her for being a companion and life partner to my dad the last 20 years of their marriage which has definitely seen it's ups and downs.  And it's not been until the last 10 days at home, without her, that I fully understand how much they need one another. Finally, I thank her for helping me feel so much again.  Since Pablo was born, I sometimes feel like more of a robot than a person, and although this death is tragic, it has given me a newfound respect for life and made me feel more alive and whole than I have in awhile.

For now, I am floating through the world, a little more aware, a little more sad but also, a little more alive with this thought hanging on my hip.

Moving Woes 2018

The cries, they are painstaking; seeing his face when he cries is even worse, so here I am trying to do a slice of life because it's a distraction from them.

The transition is real for this sweet child of mine.  Many of my friends said "he'll be fine, he is just a baby."  The reality is he knows.  He knows that the air freshener in his grandmother's summer beach house was the one we had in our toilet in Kuala Lumpur.  He knows that the remotes should turn on air conditioners.  He knows that sleeping in different beds and seeing new people all the time means something is not right in his world.  He has felt this move and because of that I have felt it more. 

One part of me is appreciating this time of wonder and smiles and courageous risk taking and constant skin to skin snuggles.  The other part of me wonders if I am causing permanent damage in my child's life by taking him away from his third parent, Cora, our nanny of the last year; by taking him away from his friends who he can poke and prod and they usually reciprocate; by challenging him to adapt to a new world that we are still 8 days away from.

Moving has never been so complicated in my life; coupled with Andres working a ton and feeling like a single parent, two summer breaks of not really breaks, this mom is #wornout #exhausted #wondering if it's all worth it.

So for those of you with experience, this is a call for help, please reach out to me via facebook, whatsapp, etc.,  I need to know that Pablo and I are going to make it through this, or some magic tricks that will help make it easier.  Experience is priceless and I am banking on the wonderful set of expertise that lies in all corners of the world to lift me up.

Xoxo